Three years ago I got my AS in Biology, I was rather happy with myself for having done so.  I showed the ability to jump through the little hoops and do the dance that our society says to do.  It was not a mistake on my part, I am still happy I did it. To be fair, I was excited to continue on with school.  The mistake was once again placing any credence on the concept of hope/help.

You would think by now I would have realized that the only time things get done are when my rage hits a point that forces me to action.  There is only one person in the world anyone can trust, there is only one person anyone can count on, there is only one person who will likely ever do a thing for you.  You see them in the mirror in the morning.  The rest are reflections and illusions and moments.  Sure there are real connections but time can wear away even the strongest bonds and in the end the vast majority of life is based on selfishness…ironic, eh.

15
Feb

Faith…repost

   Posted by: Olivia   in Medical or Psychological, Religion, Sad Stuff

She gazed upwards as the sky finally began to let loose its tears.  The clouds so dark and so far above, the darkness of night occassionally lit up as lightning tore through the air.  God she whispered….God…I have tried, yet I have squandered everything you granted me.  Her hand clinched around the hilt of her weapon as her tears started slowly down her cheeks, joining the tears falling from the heavens.

God…I have failed you, failed myself, failed all around me…is there any point?  Any reason to carry on?  Her grip on the hilt weakened as the rains fell down around her, soaking her, her eyes strayed downwards for a moment.  Her resolve weakened as her weapon nearly slid from her grip.

It was then she felt the warmth in the darkness, it was then she felt the light within the cold.  Her grip tightened as her eyes moved heavenward again.  There was still breath within her and with that came time to make it all worthwhile at last.

14
Feb

The Truth

   Posted by: Olivia   in Daily Doodads

So often the truth eludes us.  We dance away from it, refuse to see it, blind ourselves to all that has been and all that is coming.  Unable to see things as they are, we dodge and dodge until the day it catches up to us.

Then we are able to see that one moment in time when the entirety of life felt like nothing short of perfection.  Never realizing that things would only go down and away from there, so far away from there.  I know when and where my one moment of bliss happened, I hope you have felt it too?

Merry Valentines day…

2
Feb

Crusade…(updated 2/3/10)

   Posted by: Olivia   in Fantasy, Religion

East

She could feel the cool breeze blowing in across her from the dark dunes.  Knelt with her hands clasped she opened her eyes and saw the first rays of the sun bursting out across the desert towards her.  It was as if God were reaching out to her and she drew great strength from it.  The path to becoming an-shazi was not an easy one, there were very few females who rose to the rank of defender of the faith.  Most were al-shazi, men, but that never deterred her.  Obtaining her goal at the age of 17 she now finished her morning prayers before her first official command.

“Janni?  Are you ready?”  The voice of one of her Lieutenants spoke softly from behind her.  With a nod she came with deft quickness to her feet and strapped her sword on.  The blade was curved gracefully, her leather armor studded and dyed a deep purple to mark her as an-shazi, defender, chosen.

“I am ready, have the men prepare to ride.”  Janni strode towards her mount, she was tall for her age and gender nearing 5′9″, lithe and quick.  There were few that could look at her dusky skin and hair, her emerald green eyes and call her anything less than strikingly beautiful.  But those eyes held an unyielding quality of steel to them and her lips rarely came to a smile.  She got onto her horse and motioned her troops into motion as they headed slowly to the southwest.

West

The long white dress was misleading as she walked along the aisle of the great Chapel of Highguard.  Her long black hair was pulled into a tight ponytail and the dress clung to a very obviously well muscled body.  Jordan was raised in Highguard, her father was a Paladin, her father’s father was a Paladin, so on for many generations back.  With no brothers to carry on the tradition and as the eldest daughter she took up the mantle.  To be fair even with a brother around Jordan would likely have taken this path.

She moved to the altar where she knelt in prayer, closing her blue eyes as she did.  Jordan was a severe girl even by the standards of Paladins, having come to her confirmation as a soldier of the Church at 14 she had been stuck the past 4 years on patrols near the city.  But today that would all change, she was being sent southeast to some of the border settlements to patrol them.

Thinking through things as she knelt, her heavy mace was ready, her shining breastplate was ready, her chain mail leggings and shirt were ready.  She would do this with ruthless efficiency like she approached all tasks, the border settlements assigned to her would be swept free of all heretics.  Coming to her feet she moved to her quarters to prepare for her march.

Janni 1

The command she was given was little more than a routine patrol of some sleepy villages.  Her small contingent was to meet with each village elder to be sure all was fine and to inspect the condition of their local daz-alnar, their church.  Allowing herself a small smile under her veil at the thought of being the first an-shazi in a couple of decades.  Surely there would be reactions both good and bad at her visit as many of the men in the outer reaches of the Empire were less enthusiastic about women taking on any positions of power.

The Empire of Alsa-an-sawa or more formally the Empire of the Children of God was the 2nd largest Empire in the world though if one was to ask Janni it was undoubtedly the greatest.  Though she has seen little of it she knew it stretched from the Azraq Ocean far to east all the way to the Acacian foothills that she now rode towards.  Far to the north it bordered the Land of the Broken Jaw, a place riddled with barbaric people.  To the south was the far smaller empire of Bomhi but the majority of the southern coast was taken up by lush beaches along the Alsa Sea.

Staring to the west she could see the first village in the distance and knew they would easily reach it before sunset.  She knew past the foothills lay the Great Empire of Acacia, land of her peoples truest enemies.  Frowning as she thought of the name, Great Empire indeed, such arrogance they showed.  Their day of reckoning would come, she just knew it in her heart.  There had been a frigid peace between the two Empires for the past twenty years.  But it was a peace based more on ignoring each others existence than anything else, there was no trade and no legal means of traveling between the two.  Though nothing had happened in a long time in these borderland villages it was important to remain vigilant against the Acacians for there was little doubt they would take over if given the opportunity.

Jordan 1

Years of patrolling the city had brought about more than one conflict for Jordan, she was no stranger to combat or to killing when necessary.  Though the heretics of the wrongly named Empire of the Children of God had been kept away from their border the past couple of decades, they needed to remain ever watchful.  Thus these regular patrols to the few hamlets in the Acacian foothills and her first opportunity to visit them.

Looking stern beyond her years, she knew in her heart that protecting the Great Empire was the noblest of callings.  The Empire was by a good measure the largest in the world, at least two times the size of the nearest rival Alsa-an-sawa.  Stretching from the Emerald Ocean to the west it crossed more cities, forests and farmlands than a person could easily conceive of.  Far to the north was Black Cliff which most people in the Great Empire considered to be little more than another Acacian holding that had not yet “acknowledged” it.  To the south across the Alsa sea was the island nation of Zalzahbaan, if there were a place in the world she wanted to visit less than Alsa-an-sawa this was it.  The people of Zalzahbaan were wildcards at best and could be counted on for nothing as a whole.

Inwardly she hoped the day would come that the Great Empire finally crushed their foe to the east.  Once they took Alsa-an-sawa the entire world would be under the righteous command of the Church and the Great Empire.

xxxxxxx

The figure moved through the darkness, through the storm, ahead she could see it coming closer.  Still she continued onwards as nothing would stop her from her goal.  Her mind trailed across the years she had spent lost in the wilderness but now she could clearly see the glinting lights far out in the darkness.  She couldn’t figure out what caused her to get lost, what had her fall so far astray?  But now she knew her path was right.  The warmth of her faith drove her onward into the night.  As long as she had breathe in her lungs there was still hope and if there was hope there could be vict….

Her thoughts were cut short as her scream rang out with futility.  Falling, falling faster and there came the ground to claim her.  So soon, so soon after realizing the proper path and it turned out to be too late.  What was it all for anyways….

20
Jan

Rain

   Posted by: Olivia   in Daily Doodads, Medical or Psychological

I like it, eternal rain and darkness would make cause for great happiness in my case.

4
Jan

Angel

   Posted by: Olivia   in Religion, Sad Stuff

Looking back across the course and times of my life I have something that has always come back to me.  I remember her in fragments and images, but mostly I feel her spirit and the light she had within her.  I was very young when my Aunt Jeannie passed away.  With so little idea how to handle it, what could I say or do?  I remember seeing my grandma crying, my mom crying, her children crying, so many tears and I look back as unsure today as I was then of what I could do to help.

I remember going camping with my family and my Aunt Jeannie was going to be coming there too.  When she arrived she knelt down to hug me and I hesitated.  I have no real idea as to why, apart from my own overriding ability to do what is wrong even in the face of knowing what is right.  After a nudge from my grandma I went to hug her.  I remember her red hair and I remember feeling only good from her.

When they said she had brain cancer, I am unsure I understood what that meant.  The hospital and her lying in the bed, even then she had a smile for me, for all of us.  I didn’t understand the void that would be left in my life that day.  I never knew what a person was leaving all of us.  I look at myself, her children, our family and all that has passed, yet somehow I know no matter what she would still love me and love all of us.

I remember her only in fragments yet even after all this time I can still feel her love and her spirit.  I wish I had gotten to know her more, I wish I hadn’t been so young and so unsure of what to do.  If ever an angel walked the Earth surely it was her.

18
Dec

Enough

   Posted by: Olivia   in Religion

When do we have enough?

Some lyrics from a song I love by Gala go:  Want more and more, people just want more and more

Truer words never spoken, I am guilty of it.  I think almost everyone is guilty of it.  Greed, decadence, desires, lusts, we are all bottomless pits that shall never be filled.  Whether this is right or wrong of us I can’t say.  But I do know I’d rather have my spirit fulfilled than my wallet full, my lusts sated or my greeds indulged.

Want more and more, people just want more and more

14
Dec

Held

   Posted by: Olivia   in Fantasy, Medical or Psychological, Random Thoughts, Religion, Sad Stuff

Now and then my eyes flutter open.  I see the lights, the endless cacophony of action that surrounds my existence.  Watching it go by I am tempted to action, to rise up, to go forward…but it passes quickly.  It takes not much to see the emptiness in the endless circle that others dance in.

Why do anything if anything you do will amount to nothing?

My eyes shut as I wrap myself up in the blanket of apathy…life is much easier when all hopes are extinguished.

5
Dec

The Lake

   Posted by: Olivia   in Fantasy, Religion

The sea of humanity spread out to her left, to her right, to her rear, to her front, it seemed near endless.  The roar of voices made it impossible to hear her own as she screamed out, her voice instantly lost in the cacophony.  She pressed forward, she tested all directions but there was nowhere to go, there was no way out of this mass of bodies.

She heard the trumpet somehow through all the noise and her eyes drifted upwards along with millions of other pairs of eyes.  The familiar black clouds were there, red tinged lightning criss-crossed the dark sky.  It was about to begin again, her cries of despair and panic were quickly drowned out by the cries of millions.  She could feel the metal ground beneath her, but it was impossible to see it so tightly mashed together was everyone.  But the all to familiar heat was already starting there and her bare feet began to sizzle as she felt and saw the flames slowly push ever upwards across all the bodies.  The lightning came down striking at random causing bodies to explode into bloody mist as the fire rose higher and higher burning all the gathered millions ever so slowly and painfully.   Eventually she too was consumed by the fire and all was darkness…but the darkness only seemed to last for seconds before she again woke to find herself engulfed in the endless sea of bodies.

Tears streamed down her face as the cycle began anew, she had long ago lost count of how many times she had slowly cooked to death in this mass.  Time meant nothing here as she stared up at the sky she could occassionally catch sight of winged creatures darting in and out of the clouds.  The creatures never came down to help, but they did come down closer when the fire was burning at it’s highest and all the life around her was being snuffed out along with her own.  It was then as she felt life slip away she could see their grinning faces as they watched the suffering.  Perhaps it was these demons that continously put her back together again to repeat her eternal fate…

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